Dating In Your 60s – An Honest Discussion

Dating for men over 50 and even into your 60s can prove challenging, especially if find yourself single after you’ve been in a committed relationship for the last few decades. But we’ve enlisted the help of a certified Intimacy Coach to help get you back out there!

The following was reposted/reprinted, including minor changes and edits, with the express permission from KC Consulting.

I was recently asked to do an interview on senior dating. Among other questions, the top challenges men and women face, when dating at age 60 or older. The topic is not unfamiliar since many of my clients are in that group. Still, to prepare for a range of questions, I did some pre-interview research. After polling a few dozen friends, clients, and acquaintances, my findings were as I’d expected. 

Men said: “Women over 60…”

1) are bristly/defensive/bitter, with a tendency to blow up or lash out over inconsequential matters

2) have no (or very low) sex drive

3) expect monogamy/commitment/marriage too soon

4) are too independent / focused on work, family, friends, hobbies (too many things besides him)

5) are too settled, inactive, not sociable or adventurous enough, more homebodies than world-travelers

6) don’t look as good as their pictures, and/or act differently than portrayed in online profiles

Women said: “Men over 60…”

1) only want younger women and lie about their age without guilt or shame 

2) are controlling, clingy, and need too much attention 

3) have a low sex drive and/or ED

4) are too settled, inactive, and couch potatoes

5) can be jealous of women’s careers, don’t respect independence and/or expect women to work less

6) rely on women to teach them their own emotional landscape, forcing her into the role of “mother”

By far, each group had one complaint above all. The men’s was that older women can be bitter and defensive, prone to harsh, angry, even rage-filled confrontations, long-held resentments for past mates’ behavior taken out on the new guy. Women’s top complaint was that men feel entitled to lie about their age, casting thinly veiled blame—as if somehow women have forced them into it by refusing to acknowledge the value of these men’s exceptional health, fitness, and energy. 

There’s a lot to unpack here, mainly because both complaints are valid. 

Many men justify shaving 5-10 years off their age with “but I feel and look better than I did at 40!” As if energy stores and gut size are all that matter when assessing compatible age range. A woman has a right to determine the range she’d like to date in, and smart women base that decision on factors beyond just a current state of “virility.”

For starters, the statistical likelihood that a 65-year old mate will be sick, dead, or dying in 10-15 years matters. Women statistically live 5 years longer than men and tend to be devoted care-givers. I don’t care if you think you’re a rock star, if you’re 65 years old your potential life partner has a right to know before she replies to an email, much less considering a date. 

As for women’s disproportionate reactivity, it is as real, rampant, and unacceptable as the men I polled say. No self-respecting man should tolerate that kind of behavior, yet many women have a skewed perspective on the severity of their occasional angry outbursts. They underestimate the true measure of wreckage they cause. Because men don’t wear their hearts on their sleeves, women are often blind to the fear and pain these men have at the receiving end of a tirade. They have no idea how ill-equipped men are to navigate bouts of unchecked rage. Even for those who can respond in a useful, productive way, any romance or affection that a man had will shrivel up and start to die that day. 

Like I said, none of the above surprised me. What I found interesting, however, was the realization that senior daters’ primary issues are the direct result of younger people’s issues. 

Which are:

That young women regularly fail to speak up for themselves or state their needs in clear and honest ways. We, as a society, still raise our girls to believe being opinionated or contrary is unacceptable, and that her needs are somewhere between secondary and burdensome.

So women grow up holding all their feelings, opinions, and disappointments inside. But every time a woman censors herself, a resentment builds. Is it any wonder they all come out with such terrifying force later in life? (I’m not saying it’s right. I’m just saying, it is what it is.)

Meanwhile, young men are taught their self-worth lies in the ability to accomplish things, with a focus on physical capabilities. By the time they’re past middle-age they’ve lost a few battles, learning the hard way that life will beat a man up a bit. Such ego-bruising leads many to feel they’re forever striving to “prove themselves.”

They hardly know better than to value themselves based on what’s left of their manly/youthful attributes (e.g., energy, health, and fitness). The reason some men wrongly blame women for “having to” lie about their age is that by 65, most men are emotionally exhausted from a lifetime trying to fit into the roles we’ve assigned them.  That, and the haunting feeling that not only will they never measure up, but maybe they never knew what women wanted to begin with. And they never will if the only way women tell them is by ranting and raving.

Kristin “KC” Casey is a Certified Intimacy Coach out of Austin, Texas, specializing in the arena of physical and emotional intimacy. Certified 2011 as a Holistic Lifestyle Coach, and then an Intuitive Intimacy Coach in 2016, she brings a wealth of knowledge and experience in dating and relationships.

Kristin Casey’s previous publishing credits include short stories, essays, articles, and poetry in the Foliate Oak Literary Magazine, The Nervous Breakdown, The Fix, Metal Scratches, From The Asylum, $pread, and elsewhere. Her screenplays have placed as high as Nicholl quarterfinalist and AFF second rounder. Her first book, addiction memoir Rock Monster: My Life with Joe Walsh, was released by Rare Bird Books in March, 2018.