Facing an Empty Nest? 3 Things Couples Can Do Now

Marriage changes when you become a parent and it’s common for parenting and raising children to become your identity. The demands on time, effort, and giving more of yourselves to your children and taking less for you and your partner, makes it no small wonder people drift apart. But now you’ve finally done it. You’ve either got the kids off to college, out of the house, (or close to that goal,) and you finally have time with your spouse again. Even if you’re excited that the days of diaper duty and curfews are over, something doesn’t feel like you thought it would, does it? You’re not alone. In fact, there’s a name for it: Empty Nest Syndrome, or the emotional distress parents feel when their children leave.

Psychology Today has a good article you can reference here.

So now instead of chauffeuring your kids between practices, chaperoning countless sleepovers and deciding which family-friendly vacation you’ll go on, that Tuesday night “obligation” suddenly vanishes, and you feel empty inside. It leaves both of you feeling like you’ve lost a sense of purpose. Can you go back to who you were before? How do you rekindle your relationship?

Step #1: Start by reflecting and redefining

You’ve been someone else now for 18 (or more!) years and involved in your children’s world. You’ll never stop being that person, but you no longer need to make that the centerpiece of who you are. With men 50 and over, that foundational element may diminish as your kids become adults. And now that they’re off on their own, you’re questioning what you’re doing. How do you do the same?

Aside from your career if you’re still working, you may not have had this much time in years to focus on you and your individual interests. Like we said in our blog on (Preparing For Your Retirement), the first thing to do is define what you want to do with your life and with your partner.

• What have you given up that you can now embrace? A new hobby, a fresh passion or just a different outlook can be immeasurable in adjusting to this new phase.
• Reflect on yourself. Who are you beyond the context of your children? This is a chance to be a new you.
• Reflect on your marriage. How will you relate to your spouse now? What can the two of you do together that you’ve been holding off on?

When your identity for the last 18-22 years has been so integrally related to someone else, it becomes difficult to answer these questions, but an early as start as possible will get you thinking about what’s coming.

Step #2: Discuss these reflections with your spouse

Being faced with an empty nest is a big change and your spouse is going through it with you. It’s something that will fundamentally change your household, and it shouldn’t go unrecognized. The question becomes on how will you and your partner navigate the change together?

Key is to start talking now, in the months leading up to your kids heading out and do your best to chat openly about how you’re feeling. Are you excited? Nervous? Sad?

• Are there any new activities that you’d like to try together? Start taking cooking classes, go to book events, take up star gazing, or become involved in your community. The idea is to find these new activities together and share in the fun.
• Do you want to travel? There is so much to see in the future, even something as short as a day trip can be a chance to connect. Need more that that? Take up hiking and explore our national parks.
• What do you need from your spouse in these months that might make a difference as you try to think about yourself outside of the strictly “dad” role?

These aren’t always easy conversations to have but creating dialogue will help take the first steps towards making it a bit more comfortable.

Step #3: Get excited about rekindling

Remember your intimate life that suddenly became non existent when your kids came into the picture? Or the cash flow that was mostly yours before parenthood? Well, the good news is that now those will be yours again! Empty nesters have much more time, space, and money to rekindle the aspects of their relationship that have been lacking for so long.

Once the kids head to college, go on that vacation you’ve been talking about for years. Enjoy a sunset on a tropical beach, go jet skiing, get scuba certified, sit at home and do a staycation (see our blog here) so you can remember why you fell in love. Whatever you want to do, now you can do it with each other.

Empty nest syndrome occurs because the two people left in the house are a married couple who have forgotten how to date. Dinners, movies, social and sports events are all back on the table, even if it isn’t one of your favorites, it’s the time that matters. It was all about creating a life partnership when you started, it’s time to keep that commitment in the next phase of your life.

And here’s the thing. Your life with your spouse is only about half over. You’ve spent the last 25 years with your spouse raising kids you both adore, and now you get to spend the next 25 years just the two of you. The day you face the empty nest is the day you start the second phase of your marriage.

Final thoughts

With the kids out of the house, you may feel a sense of relief or a sense of loss. And you may think, “Is something wrong with me?” But no, nothing is wrong with you. Being an empty nester comes with a myriad of different emotions. Many men experience a strange sense of emptiness when they finally see their offspring go, and they’re not sure how to process it. Venturing in this second phase of your life will be some of your best years to come if you take the proper steps to adjust. Reflect and redefine your identity outside of parenthood and be sure to share these reflections with your spouse so you can grow together. Get excited, this next season of life is a great one.

We hope that you’ve found the information in this blog useful! Is there anything here we missed or you want us to cover? Feel free to reach out to Glen directly through our Contact page. All the best!